Reflection and speculation

The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position.

Leo Buscaglia

 
This is one of my favorite quotes. I signed up for  daily quote emails and this one actually came to my inbox a couple of days ago. I totally forgot about it. It's one of the ones you swear you'd remember and apply to life.  Sad to say, I have not been applying it to my life. I agree with it whole- heartedly. I think that people don't know how to deal with people being themselves anymore. People try to just fit in. I never made it a point to "fit in" with anyone, or anything.  I think that's selling yourself short and taking away from who you really are as a person. Even though, I made it a point not to try to fit in, I think during the last few years, I lost myself a little bit in keeping people happy be it with my actions or simply not saying what I was thinking. Stretching myself thin and "taking one for the team," by participating in things that I really had no desire to do. I'm sure a lot of people do this.  Especially a lot of mothers and fathers. I am fairly certain that it is almost part of being parent, and being involved with family.  But I am also 100% certain that it doesn't have to be that way.
 
Me and Redmosqui have done a lot of talking, and we've noticed that we both have lost a part of who we are/were because of what people want/need us to be, not because of what we want for ourselves. We've stayed up until 3-4am just talking in depth about how things are, how things were, and how we want them to be.  We know who needs to be a major part of our lives, and the lives of our children and who don't.  We know who we need to let go of or  ignore. A practice long left behind by the masses, that's for sure.
 
We're focusing more on what we've always been doing. Working hard at our jobs, working hard with our children to make sure they understand the way the world works and how to express their feelings. We didn't get to where we are by sitting at home, by crying or whining about our lives. We got to where we are by making changes.  I know my children to learn when and how to make changes in their life.  We're not in out in any "positions"  and won't be, I want them to learn this as well.  All the thoughts listed above brought up one thing--- something I'd like email insight on if you have the time. Or comment on here and add "don't publish," to your message. Somehow, while we were talking about all of this, we came upon the topic of making our will. Something we haven't talked about for about a year or so when we were talking about who we'd like to take care of our children in the event something happened to both of us. We didn't make our Will then, but probably should now. The insight I am needing is--- how did you decide who is better fit to be taking care of your children during a time like that should it arise?  It's always easier to rule people out than in. If my Bug and Bee were ever in that situation I'd want to know they are left with people who share most of our  values. Who would raised them to be themselves, say what the mean, do what they feel (with in reason, of course.) I'd want them with people who aren't quick to judge people, who don't always take things at face value. I want them with people who can admit when they're wrong, and know how to apologize. I don't want them with people who can't talk open and honestly about life, love, situations and problems. But it seems like these things are the norms in life now. I almost feel like it would be better not to have a will and let the state decide if they aren't old enough to decide on their own.
 
How did you determine who is right so that you are happy with your choices? Thinking about us not being here for them doesn't feel possible so it's hard to look or think beyond that.

Thanksgiving....

We're at my moms house for Thanksgiving and it really feels like home again. We haven't spent Thanksgiving here in a while because my mom has been traveling a lot lately. We're so happy to be here with her and on top of getting to see my family, I get to see a lot of my friends too.  The drive here was really nice. It was quiet, and didn't seem to take as long as it usually does. The minivan drives really great. Lanie and Jena watched Snow White and Tinkerbell with their headphones on. We even stopped a couple of times just to stop.  It took 2.5 hours to get here. Not bad at all. 

We got to listen to the hockey game and talk about holidays, life, people... etc. It's always nice to take these trips. My husband... Redmosqui, (formerly known as Daddy D) was expressing how great my mom makes him feel. It's not like other relationships. She makes him feel like he's her son and not all "in law relationship-y." That makes me feel good.  My mom works hard to make everyone feel loved and welcomed, and she loves him dearly. Honestly, I know she wouldn't have wanted me to marry anyone else.  I'm a lot like my mom. I always try to make people feel welcome,  and go the extra mile for everyone. Perhaps that may be my downfall.  Am I my mother? Perhaps I will be more selective..... (Ok, that's another post entirely! haha. Back on course.....)

Mom is making everything he likes, even going the extra mile to make dishes she wouldn't normally make.  She didn't grow up here in America. She grew up in Lebanon. There were no pilgrims and Indians in Lebanon, where she grew up. Some traditions like Turkey on Thanksgiving, we didn't really grow up with.  She makes a mean chicken on Thanksgiving and even offered to make it for me. But I think a big Turkey, ham, lots of sides, veggies, and other arabic foods like Hummus will definitely do without the chicken.  Bug actually wrote a song (my husband recorded her singing it) about Thanksgiving, my mom and my niece.  It was not only sweet, but endearing too. My mom does not live close. We don't see each other as often as we'd like, but even with the distance... she wrote a song and put my mom in it.  That's probably the first time she's done that. Bee even came in on the part that is about my mom and spending thanksgiving with her. We had some nice laughs tonight when we played it for her.

So this post, if you can't tell is for my mom. I'm thankful that I was lucky enough to have her as my mother. We are always calling and talking to each other. More so this month than any other month. I've had a lot to talk to her about and she's been understanding and helpful. Her insight on somethings has been worth more than gold. I hope to have this relationship with my daughters. She is a true inspiration for me. :) I'm excited to have her spend the second half of my new hire training with us.  We'll be coming back the first weekend of December to help her pack since she had back surgery in July.  It'll be nice to spend one last full weekend with her.  When I complete training, I'll have to work 1 weekend day so we won't be able to make as many trips here. 

I am also thankful for my friends. All of my friends have pulled together when I need them as well, even if it's just for a phone conversation. Everyone needs outlets. My mom and my friends are mine. I can tell them anything, and they're understanding and say the things I need to hear. My husband does that too.  Friends and family are important. They keep me happy, healthy and sane. They're not shallow, fake or "me monsters."  Even the bloggers and those on livejournal that I talk to and comment have helped me a lot. So for those of you that I talk to on a daily basis, friends and those that share our blog lives when time permits---- Thank you. You make me the luckiest person in the world. 

Oh, I forgot to mention... I moderate all comments. So if you comment and don't see it right away... I haven't approved it yet. It comes through email, and I don't always check it everyday.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!! Hope to see some of you at Target at midnight or 5am. :) Redmosqui and I will most likely be there with coffee in hand! 

52 Things You Should Know About Your Spouse

My last blog post was about how I have been getting back to normal. Well, in me getting back to normal, my relationship with my husband has gotten back to normal as well. It'll of course never be the same as it was in BC (before children) time, but we'll getting to know more about each other again. It seems like having kids takes that away with the stress, the sheer exhaustion. Nothing says arguing quite like a baby. Just for fun the other night, I goggled "things your spouse should know about you." Surprisingly both he and I knew all of these questions. It was fun, we had a lot of laughs and discussions. We didn't print them out, we just read them and answered them. We even stayed up later than usual (shocking, I know! Every minute counts when you work full time outside the home.) Without further delay: here they are. Feel free to comment your experience or if it's too personal, email it. :)


1. What is your spouse’s social security number?
2. In what city was your spouse born?
3. What is your spouse’s blood type?
4. What does your spouse feel is his or her greatest personal strength?
5. What is your spouse’s favorite food or meal?
6. What is his/her favorite dessert?
7. What’s your spouse’s typical position for sleep (left side, right side, back)?
8. What is your spouse’s favorite pastime activity or favorite hobby?
9. If your spouse had the job of his/her dreams, what would it be?
10. Where is your spouse’s favorite vacation spot?
11. What is your spouse’s political affiliation?
12. What was your spouse’s favorite childhood pet?
13. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in high school?
14. How many times per month would your spouse like to have sex?
15. What make & model, and color was your spouse’s first car?
16. What was your spouse’s first job?
17. Who was your spouse’s best friend(s) in college?
18. What is your spouse’s mother’s maiden name?
19. What is your spouse’s all-time favorite film?
20. What would your spouse say is your most annoying habit?
21. If your spouse could be any celebrity, who would he or she want to be?
22. If your spouse could simply wake-up in any part of the world and enjoy a week of exploring, what location would it be (travel cost and time being no object)?
23. Who is your spouse’s current best friend?
24. What is your spouse’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
25. What is your spouse’s shoe size?
26. What is your spouse’s waist size?
27. What is your spouse’s favorite restaurant?
28. Who is your spouse’s favorite musician at the moment?
29. What are your spouse’s parents full names?
30. If your spouse could change professions, what would he/she choose (money being no object)?
31. What household chore does your spouse most despise?
32. What is your spouses cell phone number?
33. How many bones has your spouse broken?
34. Does your spouse have tonsils?
35. How many jobs has your spouse had since graduation from college?
36. Has your spouse ever had a nickname? If so, what was/is it?
37. To which of your spouse’s family members is he/she closest?
38. What “hurt” from the past has your spouse struggled most to overcome?
39. Does your spouse prefer the toilet paper unroll from the top, or the bottom?
40. How many children did your spouse want to have when you got married?
41. How would my spouse most wish to spend time as a family?
42. What book is your spouse currently reading?
43. What is your spouse’s favorite way to wind down after a stressful day?
44. How much money does your spouse need to have in savings to feel financially responsible?
45. What is your partner’s favorite pizza topping?
46. What day of the week did you meet your spouse?
47. What single word would your spouse use to describe you?
48. What perfume/scent does your spouse like YOU to use?
49. What is your spouse’s favorite movie?
50. What is your spouse’s favorite sexual position?
51. How long would your spouse say “foreplay” should last? (answer in minutes, not seconds).
52. What, if any, musical instrument(s) has your spouse played?

:)

It's weird. I have two children. In the next six to seven months, one will turn 3, and one will turn five. I've been so busy just being mom and trying to help provide for the family that I let a lot of things go. I let my hair, clothes, make up all go. I took up the role of mom and went with it. Down to even wearing clothes that are too big for me... wearing my hair in a scrunchie all the time... (sore spot for my husband.) It really didn't start until I had my littest one. I wasn't as bad when there was only 1. Guess that they say about being a parent is true--- you're not truely a parent until you have more than 1. 

On top of that, I always felt the need to have a full time job to help provide the things we need and the things we want. AND work opposite of my husband so we wouldn't have the added cost of daycare. Lately, now that the girls are older and can have conversations, (and the new job is attributed as well) I believe I found my Pre-mom self. I'm not wrapped up so much in diapers and feedings.... even worse, spit up! I'm back into fashion again, make up... and even found a skin care line that is slowly but surely helping with the acne (brought on by pregnancy). I haven't worn my hair in a "scrunchie" for a long time. I've been taking the time so show my girls what they need to do to take care of themselves when they're older. It's amazing how they did not have an interest in it before. Most likely because I didn't do it.  They're interested now and even sit still to have their hair flat-ironed.

If there is anything I can say.... It's good to be back! It's nice to have the old me and the new me balanced together. I have a job I love, my kids at the age I love, and a lot of the things I want in life. It took a lot of hard work to get here. Working the late shift isn't easy, not even a little bit, but it's worth it and I only have 2 years left of the late shift, IF that. I couldn't sleep tonight because as weird as it sounds, I'm happy.  I was smiling too hard to go to sleep. I've learned so much these last few years that there isn't any possible way to get it all on here. I felt like my life was at a stand still for so long and it's finally moving! Wonderful.

Anyway... enough about that. Daddy D is blogging again as well!  My blog is going to get a make over, and my links section will as well. Hopefully that will come sooner than later. :) Hope everyone is well. Off to work on it a little bit!

Life, long update. :)

Life has been too busy to blog but I'm back, at least for today. I got a new netbook, curteosy of Daddy D. So as I watch the girls take a bubble bath, I can blog. Yay! Blog!

Anyway, life has been crazy with this new job. I like it. It's a lot of information. I am now officially a licensed insurance agent for 11 states! As I gain more experience, I will have more states. Pre-Licensing week was like information overload. Different people come in and tell you how hard the state exam is going to be. You first have to take a pre-qualifying test before you can move on to the state test. There are 2 sections: property and casualty. I didn't do so hot on the property prequalifying test but I passed it to get into the state exam. I passed the state exam, but it's so hard that they don't tell you your score unless you fail it. So when you're done, if you pass... they'll just tell you: "You passed!" I'm glad that's over and done!  It's an exciting new job with the potential to make a lot of money. It's a good thing for a girl who likes shopping and guess what-- I like shopping!

On the road to financial stability with this new job, my best friend of 17 years is staying with us to watch the children during training. It's been a pleasure having her here. The girls love her. It's been amazing having all this girl time and friendship bonding. We've had several nights were we just stay up and talk. I missed her so much. It helps that she's a night owl just like me.

Among other things that have happened, the wrongful death lawsuit for my dad is over. They have admitted to what they were responsible for which is all we asked. I really can't stand when things get denied that are true. Yes, they wanted to save face, understandable. It's a hospital, but there was a basic need that wasn't met.  That need in turned caused his death. There aren't words that can possibly describe the loss that was felt that day and thereafter. So many of my friends that I haven't spoken too in a long time even felt the effects of it when they found me on facebook or myspace. He was a great man and didn't deserve what happened. He  was already dealt a hand that was hard to live with-- but he still wanted to live with it. MS is a horrible disease. I miss him greatly and as time has passed the wound has gotten better. I still laugh at the things that made us laugh, and only sometimes shed a tear for the many more laughs and good times we could have had. Time will pass and the void will be gone.

More new things, we've finally gotten out of the credit card and medical debt we were in. Always a good feeling. We also bought a mini van this month. It's not a car I wanted but when faced with the decision it's something we needed for as much travel as we do. It's been nice getting the kids in and out of it. It's much easier and drives better than any car I had in the passed.  We're taking our first trip in it next week for Thanksgiving. My mom told us around September that she'd be home for Thanksgiving. I asked my husband if we could go to visit her for Thanksgiving since it's been several years since we spent Thanksgiving at her house. My hubby surprised me with a yes to go at the end of October... at that time, I wasn't sure if we'd go because my husband doesn't do Thanksgiving without Turkey. I felt bad that I was taking that away from him. But my mom will have Turkey, and we'll have a lot of people over there to share the day. So nice to be with my family and the friends that will be there with us (are really family members).... for a holiday since it hasn't happened in a while.

Then  we get to have my mom here for the other part of my training for this job that starts in December. We're going to help her pack and get things ready. She can't do too much lifting since she had yet another back surgery in July. That woman worries me sometimes! She's so awesome.... always thinking about others before herself. She doesn't ever really think about herself. She has started a little bit, taking care of herself better and finally after 16 years is fixing up her house.  I'm excited for the things to come and feel content (by content meaning all warm and fuzzy inside) with just about everything....

Another thing I can't believe is that it's the end of the year,  my little Jenabee will be three in January. It's hard to believe but it's true. They're growing up and healthy. The infant and early toddler years seemed to last so long. We're at the potty trained point and the point where we can say "how are you," and "how was your day," to both girls and they'll answer. Everytime we take them out lately, people comment on how charming and pretty they are. Which is nice for them to hear from other people. WE know their true nature. ;) But no one else needs to. They're sweet when they want, and emotional too but it's a part of them growing up too. I will update with pictures here or put them on facebook soon. I have a ton of pictures in my camera that I want to get off there.

That's it for my long update. Hope to blog more soon.

On a Mission..

So, I've decided that people and problems can't bring me down anymore. Not in my personal life, not at home, not at work. I'm not letting my health get in the way of being happy. I've let it bring me down for far too long and it's affecting me as a person and as a parent. With this new found joy that I've found in my life rather quickly I might add. It wasn't hard to see what I have right in front of me. I am starting a new thing. We're going to do something new and/or different everyday. Me and the girls. And of course their dad when he isn't at work. And it's going to be something we can show off. Something I can blog about. I need ideas. I only have a few so far.

Sunday- Make a home video.
Monday- Watch a movie together that we haven't seen before. (On Monday due to Disney's movie time monday. Aren't I smart? haha)
Tuesday-
Wednesday-
Thursday- Plan/Make something for lunch together that we haven't made before.
Friday-
Saturday-

Anything anyone can contribute would be great. I'm all for arts, crafts, projects. But I don't want something like coloring in a coloring book. That's something they can do in preschool. :) I want something we have "make" so I can save it in a box for them to have later.

What's this... TWO blogs in a row? haha

Yup, two blogs in a row. Can it last? I'm actually off tomorrow. I have to make up the time Saturday and I have an incredibly long day with the kids. 7am-9pm, but we'll manage and have some fun because it's pay day! (Yay, I think?)

Okay, the real reason for my blogging today is that I've decided that moms don't get enough credit. I recently was thinking about my childhood. Although it was limited due to my dads disease, there wasn't anything mom... (AND DADS, really parents in general) wouldn't do for their children. While I can never, never, ever ever ever remember all the things my mom and dad did for me, I hope that I can remember all the things I do for my girls and hope that even though they will never remember everything, they'll remember and know that I love them and I would find the end of universe for them. There are exceptions, definitely. You do have parents who have children that really had no business having them but in most instances, children teach us what living a life on our own could not. Our parents are awesome. My mom... AWESOME. Even now when I am an adult.. there are no words for how awesome she is. And she's not just awesome to me, she's awesome to my brother too. You do have selective parenting in a lot of situations. I've seen that. And I see parents (including myself) doubt their parenting decisions. It's hard to put into words the emotion of having children. The thought, the effort and the life changing circumstances, is an amazing miracle in and of itself. We're lucky, the days we screw up the most as parents, are the days that our children won't remember. Days where the next morning, it's a "get out jail free" learning experience, so to speak. My girls are still young enough for me to remember the days I had to let them cry it out and cry it out myself. It's odd thinking back and realizing that it wasn't a big deal. I've always tried to spend time with my girls as much as I can. They won't be this small forever... One day, I am going to be taking my girls to school and attempt to walk them in and they're going to tell me, "I don't need you to walk me in." And I'm going to be heart broken and proud at the same time. Just as proud as the day they tell me " I hate you." I'll know... no matter how heart breaking it is to hear those words, that I did something right.
I said those words to my mom at one point in time. As did my brother. But we're where we need to be. Doing what we need to do to raise our families. Why? Because.... we have parents who remember the things we were too young to commit into memory. And thank God for that.

Ok, I'm done. I'll probably read this tomorrow and not understand I word that I just wrote.